Everything is ahead of me. Anything is possible. I am ambitious. I am plagued by self-doubt. Joanna Rakoff, who wrote about J. D. Salinger, and Kim Schmidt, who wrote about Rakoff, got me thinking about these things.

It happened as I was reading a book review in the June 1, 2014 edition of Printers Row. I came across that one sentence that seemed to speak to me. (My startled awake moment.) Then, I reread the one before it and realized that I could certainly relate to that one. (A second startled awake moment.) The sentences described Joanna Rakoff, who was in her early 20’s at the time.

Joanna Rakoff wrote My Salinger Years (published by Alfred A. Knopf © 2014). Her book describes the year that she spent in New York City in her early 20’s as the assistant to the literary agent who was representing J. D. Salinger. Kim Schmidt reviewed that book in an article titled, “Memoir recalls transitional year at a literary agency,” in the Printers Row Journal edition dated June 1, 2014. In that book review, Schmidt was describing Radoff‘s life as a 23-year old. Her description read as follows: “Nearly everything is ahead of her and nearly anything is possible.”

As you may know, I reached a big milestone recently. I turned 60. I must admit that this birthday really threw me. I thought turning 59 was hard enough. After all, it was just one year away from 60. Somehow, I got through that year. But then, as Earth Day (my birthday) 2014 approached, I found myself in shock and was rather dismayed. I injured my hip early in 2013 and had been struggling to get past that injury. That injury in itself made me feel old. I didn’t need a date on the calendar to make feeling old official.

And, then, my children threw me a surprise birthday party. It was absolutely awesome and I cannot thank them enough. And, yet, my ability to deny that I am now 60 either to myself or to others became quite impossible as a result. Interestingly enough, that party seemed to help me accept the start of this new decade. And, finally, in the last few weeks, after working with a great trainer and with the help of a wonderful chiropractor, that darn hip injury seems to be behind me and I am finally feeling 100%. And, suddenly, I realized that “everything is ahead of me” and that “nearly anything is possible.” Talk about an attitude adjustment! I wonder if you feel the same way.

After sitting and thinking about that one sentence, I reread the article and, this time, stumbled over the sentence that preceded this one. It read: “She is brimming with a youthful energy, equal parts ambition and self-doubt.” My first reaction was “Well, hell, yes, I am brimming with youthful energy.” That sure felt good. (And I don’t think I am kidding myself. Well, maybe a bit. But, I’ve got big plans for the coming year.) And, yes, I am ambitious. I am working on quite a few projects for my publisher, have successfully trained my five-month old Yellow Lab, am about to start knitting a baby blanket for one of my daughter’s friends, have decided to sign up for a full-day photography class (with thanks to Groupon), and have a few trips in the planning stages, which will involve scuba diving and a photo safari in South Africa. (Yeah, me!)

Maggie (patiently waiting for me to finish this blog post)

But, then there is that final phrase in that sentence; the one involving self-doubt. I didn’t have much self-esteem as a child or even as a young adult, but as a strong, independent, woman (I am Woman ~ Hear Me Roar), I now have pretty good self-esteem if I say so myself. But, I am still plagued by self-doubt at times.

As an example, at least annually throughout my career as a college professor, I wondered if I was good enough. I did receive a teaching award early in my teaching career from the Illinois CPA Society. (I was a CPA in my prior life and taught financial and managerial accounting and auditing at the college level.) However, I never did receive a teaching award from the college, which always made me wonder. Twenty-two years went by; twenty-two annual awards went to other people. No official recognition from my peers. Thankfully, right before I retired from teaching, a friend who had been on the award committee explained the politics behind those awards. Knowing that sure helped. (It seemed that I didn’t cozy up to the right people.) But, why did I need one of the college’s awards? I know I did well; the smiles on my students’ faces as they left class told me that. (I taught accounting. Who smiles when they remember taking that accounting class in college? Hardly anyone. In fact, most people groan when I tell them that I taught accounting.) Anyway, this is the easy example of how self-doubt could throw me for a loop. There were other times. Did I (and do I) do my best in my roles as daughter, as a sister, or as a parent? I hope so. But I often wonder. (These are not questions I am prepared to deal with today.)

Anyway, as I was writing this, I googled “self-doubt” and came across the article, “The Legacy of Distorted Love: Recognizing, understanding and overcoming the debilitating impact of maternal narcissism” by Karyl McBride, Ph.D, on the Psychology Today website. It looks like a good one; right up my alley. I just printed it and plan to read it soon. I hope that it helps to alleviate my self-doubt. For now, I know that I need to remember that internal credit is just as good as, if not better than, external credit.

I wonder if woman have a harder time with this than men?